45 Quick And Dirty Riddles That Will Stump Even Your Smartest Friends

See-ming Lee
See-ming Lee
1. You play with me at night before going to sleep. You can’t get caught fiddling with me at work. You only let a select few people touch me. What am I?


Your phone.

2. What’s a four-letter word that ends in “k” and means the same as intercourse?

Talk.

3. I start with a “v” and every woman has one. She can even use me to get what she wants. What am I?

Her voice.

4. I come in a lot of different sizes. Sometimes, I drip a little. If you blow me, it feels really good. What am I?

Your nose.

5. What’s in a man’s pants that you won’t find in a girl’s dress?

Pockets.

6. You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do. What am I?
A tent.

7. What’s long and hard and has cum in it?

A cucumber.

8. If I miss, I might hit your bush. It’s my job to stuff your box. When I come, it’s news. What am I?
The paperboy.

9. What four-letter word begins with “f” and ends with “k,” and if you can’t get it you can always just use your hands?
A fork.


10. All day long it’s in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me. What am I?

An elevator.

11. I’m spread out before being eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes lick my nuts. What am I?

Peanut butter.

12. Arnold Schwarzenegger’s is really long. Michael J. Fox’s is short. Daffy Duck’s isn’t human. Madonna doesn’t have one. What am I?

A last name.

13. What is hard and hairy on the outside, soft and wet on the inside? The word begins with “c,” ends in “t,” and there’s a “u” and an “n” between them.

A coconut.

14. I start with a “p” and ends with “o-r-n,” and I’m a major player in the film industry. What am I?

Popcorn.

15. My business is briefs. I’m a cunning linguist. I plead and plead for it regularly. What am I?

A lawyer.

16. You get a lot of it if you’re powerful and successful, but significantly less when you’re just starting out. You sometimes do it with yourself, but it’s a lot better when you do it with another person. What am I talking about?

Email.


17. Name a word that starts with “f” and ends with “u-c-k”?

Firetruck!

18. I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver. What am I?

An arrow.

19. I go in hard but come out soft, and I never mind if you want to blow me. What am I?

Bubblegum.

20. What does a dog do that a man steps into?

Pants.

21. I’m great for protection. You use your fingers to get me off. What am I?

Gloves.

22. What gets longer if pulled, fits snugly between breasts, slides neatly into a hole, chokes people when used incorrectly, and works well when jerked?

A seatbelt.

23. What’s beautiful and natural, but gets prickly if it isn’t trimmed regularly?

The lawn.

24. All men have one, but it’s longer on some than others. The Pope never uses his, and a man gives it to his wife once they’re married.

His last name.

25. I assist with erections. Sometimes, giant balls hang from me. I’m known as a big swinger. What am I?

A crane.

26. You find me in a guy’s pants. I’m about six inches long, I have a head, and some women love to blow me. What am I?

A twenty dollar bill.

27. When I go in, I can cause some pain. I’ll fill your holes when you ask me to. I also ask that you spit, and not swallow. What am I?

Your dentist.

28. Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?

Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.

29. I grow in a bed, first white then red, and the plumper I get, the better women like me. What am I?

A strawberry.

30. I’m the highlight of many dates. I’m especially responsive when you put your fingers deep inside me. What am I?

A bowling ball.

31. What’s made of rubber, handed out at some schools, and exists to prevent mistakes?

Erasers.

32. I’m at least six inches long. I love it wet and foamy when I get to do my job. What am I?

A toothbrush.

33. What’s messy and can be really annoying and/or tricky to clean up after sex?

Feelings.

34. Over 1,000 people went down on me. I wasn’t a maiden for long. Something really big and hard ripped me open. What am I?

The Titanic.

35. It’s a fun thing to do and you devote a significant amount of energy to thinking about it, but you hate knowing that your parents are doing it. What is it?

Facebook.

36. What’s most useful when it’s long and hard?

An education.

37. What’s white, sticky, and better to spit than to swallow?

Toothpaste.

38. A lot of people like these to be as long as possible, but short ones can be effective, and it’s definitely possible for them to be too long. What are they?

Tweets.

39. Name a word that’s four letters long, ends in “u-n-t” and is used to refer to some women?

Aunt.

40. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?

It’s not hard.

41. Who’s the most popular guy at the nudist colony?

The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand, plus a dozen donuts.

42. Who’s the most popular girl at the nudist colony?

The one who can eat the last donut!

43. How do you make five pounds of fat look good?

Put a nipple on it.

44. What does a woman have two of the a cow has four of?

Legs.

45. Sometimes a finger goes inside me. You fiddle with me when you’re bored. The best man always has me first. What am I?

Your wedding band